The Boss...

     Loading up these two flasks with that Courvoisier, stuffing them in my pants and heading "overtown" to the Bruce Springsteen Rock And Roll Extravaganza. Drinking Tip; When buying a flask always make sure it has an attached screw cap as seen above... it can be a bitch trying to keep track of the lid otherwise.

Uggs And Crocs...

     I'm no meteorologist and I know we usually get one last blast of winter before spring but I can't recall it snowing as late as March 29... anyhoo...

      As a somewhat "normal" (whatever that is) male with a bit of a foot fetish, I just can't get with either one of these poor excuses for foot fashion. Unlike some footwear the Uggs look especially bad the more they get broken in... and Crocs... maybe in the garden... 

       

    

      And while I would never suggest that women wear shoes like this all the time (although it would be nice) there must be a viable fashion alternative...

Never Been Done On This Blawg Before... Two Topics...

     I was doing some work for this lady today, I would guess her age at about sixty, actually I don't have to guess her age she told me she was sixty. That aside as I entered her house I noticed a dish of pet food with some kibbles in it (or were they bits?) and I could hear some weak barking sounds coming from upstairs.

     I started my work and she began to tell me about her dog. I asked her what kind of dog she had to which she replied, "It's a cock-a-poo. He's sixteen years old he's blind and deaf and doesn't move around very good so he craps just about anywhere."She said it very matter of fact manner. I'll say right here that I am an animal lover but haven't had a pet in quite a few years. In my life however I have had my fair share of varmints ... numerous cats, dogs, rabbit, fish tanks (a fish tank isn't really a pet but you get the idea), canary, budgie, hamsters and even a chinchilla. I understand how attached we can get to these critters but I don't understand how somebody could let there "pet" suffer like that, it really is an affront to all that's decent in human beings. I realize how difficult it must be for a person to euthanize their pet but is it really a pet anymore ? Let it die with some sort of dignity and remember it for the companion it was.

    On a lighter note, last night I was awakened from my beauty sleep at 1:30 AM. I live on the corner of a very busy highway and there is a short lane that runs behind my building so I'm used to being woken up. Sirens, the clatter of dumpster divers (which is quieter since a lock was put on it) and the occasional passionate evening (that guy must have been good... her... OH BABY... OH MY GOD...OH DADDY...OH FATHER!...Oh Father? I don't want to know.) which isn't so bad the first night but after five or six in a row and I've bruised my heel pounding on the floor...

    Anyhoo, back to last night. When I come out of a deep sleep it takes a few seconds to get my bearings and figure what all the racket is. (Quick sidebar: I had this room mate once and his room was right next to mine. I was awakened one night by what I thought was somebody doing the wash and wondered who in the heck is doing laundry at 3:00AM. He had a waterbed, the swishing... you get the rest. From then on I would say, "Jeff I heard you guy's doing the "wash" again last night...) I got up and looked outside and there was a big black pickup parked below my window (I'm on the second floor) with some party goers gathered around it, music cranked . There were three girls and one guy (it's nice to share) and from what I could gather from their conversation they were waiting for somebody in the building to arrive home so they could start their orgy... or something like that. 

                                     The "Spot"
     

    I was reminiscing about what these youths were doing when I recalled an idea I had a while back... something about noisy dumpster divers and a paintball gun, but I couldn't go through with it. It got me to thinking about what I could do for fun right now. The foursome had retreated to the truck to listen to music and continue their wait when I had a brainwave. I have a drawer full of rolled up work socks and you have a wide open sunroof . I reached into the drawer and took my first shot, I launched it and it bounced off the side of the pick up. Laughing to myself I took my second shot... threw it right in the back of the box, better but not quite there. Feeling totally confident now I took my third shot ( kind of like darts, marker... marker...) and bulls eye ! I hit him right in the side of the head. I could see because the dash and stereo lights were on. He got out and looked around... I don't think he knew what hit him and I was crouched down LOL. Maybe next time water balloons or maybe roll up some stinky ones.... I'll have to use my imagination... 

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, Etcetera ...

    My Dad said something to me once that went along the lines of, " You spend the second twenty years of your life trying to get over the first twenty and the third twenty trying to get over the first forty. Now that I'm almost halfway into my third trimester I think I might finally understand what he was trying to say. A few days ago I came to the awareness that I've spent most of my adult life trying to stay out of peoples way, to not be noticed... like a ghost. Feeling even when I'm entering a place of business that I'm somehow bothering or inconveniencing them when I know in fact that without customers they wouldn't have a business. Always the diplomat, the comedian, being early (the problem with being punctual is nobody's there to appreciate it), avoiding conflict and telling people what they want to hear rather than what I really felt like saying to them. You know what happens when you become a good listener ? You hear a lot of boring, uninteresting stories (friends excluded, everybody needs an ear once in a while). I always seemed to feel like I was hiding something something even when I was telling the truth because when you finally do manage to be honest, people never forget it and usually take it as an personal assault on their character (We had a saying in baseball which seems appropriate, "Suck it up ya moe."). Speaking of honesty, how many people are truly honest with loved ones, friends and family? If you were my guess is you would no longer have either (and this is bad because...). People like to speak of this "unconditional love"... I've yet to see the universe that exists in. Even "bible believers" speak of God's unconditional love but if you don't believe in Jesus you'll roast and toast in H-E-double hockey sticks forever, how "unconditional" is that?... hang on here I need to go get my laundry out of the dryer or somebody I don't know in the building won't like me...

     I didn't mean to get off on a rant on honesty or maybe I did...whatever, it's my blog. Even on this blog I find myself editing what I want to say to make sure it's "P C" enough even though hardly anyone reads it. The ancient Greek philosopher Thales said "Know Thyself", which it seems is a lifelong process. So here's to more of the third twenty being spent trying to recover from the first forty and possibly learning a little more honesty, humility and remaining exactly as I am because does anyone really change anyway... improve maybe. I didn't ask Dad, "Do you think we'll need to use the fourth twenty to get over the first sixty?"  

    

The Guilt Out-Weighs The Temporary Discomfort...

     This is a story about a guy that lives in a two story walk up apartment building (wait a sec, I also live in a two story walk up... weird). One day this guy ( I'll call him "the guy") came home from a long days work loaded down with four bags of groceries... well only two bags of groceries actually, the heaviest two bags were from the liquor store. But to be fair the guy picks up wine occasionally for his building manager so the liquor wasn't all his (sure...). After struggling to get through the door and retrieve his mail (bills) the guy makes his way up the first flight of stairs to his suite which is on the second floor. Out of the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of someone lurking at the top of the next flight of stairs with something that looks a lot like a queen size mattress. Not wishing to make eye contact the guy looks straight ahead and quickens his pace down the hall when he hears behind him, " There's a strong looking fellow." He moves a bit farther and then hears, "You don't want to help me ?" To which the guy replies rather hastily and with tone, "Not really." Remember here that it had been a long day and he just wanted to get home but he dropped his bags and turned around to help what turned out to be a damsel in distress.

      He did not know the woman who was probably in her mid fifties. Somehow she had managed to drag the mattress up the first two flights of stairs by herself. Visibly annoyed the guy says, "What? did somebody just leave you here ?" She explains that the company that she bought the mattress from dropped it out front of the building but would not help her bring it up to her apartment. Begrudgingly the guy uses his powerful muscles to haul it up the remaining two flights of stairs and the woman says,"I'll take it from here."

     The guy reclaims his bags his bags and heads for his apartment and as soon as he arrives in his door he feels terrible about his behavior. Since he has to deliver wine to the building manager anyway he decides to find out from him what suite she lives in so he can write a letter of apology, feeling too embarrassed to meet face to face. After purchasing a card the guy writes in it an explanation of how he works in construction and there are always delivery people coming by with appliances, carpet, woodwork etc. looking for a hand. Over the years it has simply become a knee jerk reaction to the constant barrage of these people to react with attitude and he is sorry for his actions. But the apology only seems half true and an excuse. As he goes to deliver the letter he runs into the lady at the mailboxes and makes his amends in person. The guy had once read in his horoscope that he is loyal, humorous but can be over- sensitive and wonders if he could be over-reacting.

     The next day when the guy goes to a grocery store for lunch he sees the woman working at a till close to where he was paying for his food. Thinking," What are the odds?" he starts gazing out the window trying not to make eye contact again. When him and his workmate leave the store the workmate says to the guy," That lady said to me that you are neighbours and you helped her move a mattress." It seems there are no hard feelings after all and it kind of becomes a joke between the guy and and his workmate whenever they go to this particular store and say," There's my/your neighbour." 

      The guy was thinking about the whole situation and was reminded of a time when he had come home with a heavy leather chair. He was very grateful when a neighbour offered to give him a hand. The guy came to two realizations; 1. Unless it's a piano, lend a hand. 2. If that had been a hot, fabulous babe rather than a middle-aged woman he would have been all over that mattress like a fat kid on a Smartie.  

Happy Easter( Whatever That Means)

                                                                                                                                                                                        Nothing says Easter like Bugs Bunny...

 

 

I rarely eat candy but I have a hard time staying away from these stupid things...Theyre right at the end of the aisle where I rent videos so when I'm standing there waiting to pay (which is inevitable), it seems like I have an eternity to either talk myself in or out of buying them. And I rent a lot of videos... get behind me Satan.

Nothing Beats A Good Old Fashioned George Harvey, iTunes, YouTube, Interweb Drinkin' Party...

   Many nights have been spent with the usual suspects gathered around George Harvey's Mac vying for computer time against Steve (Sausage Fingers) Jones, trying to get the others to get your taste in music and videos... a lot of swilling ensues...

                           

                        "Hey wait a sec, there's no "E" on this keyboard."

                                    Whatever...

                          









                                      "F@#k, not another one of these..."









    Photos courtesy of  "Hand Job" Eric, except the last three I took stumbling home at 1:00 AM...

Quick Quiz...

    Two of my favorite quotables (besides my Dad) are Friedrich Nietzsche and Groucho Marx . Below is a list of some my favorite quotes by them... see if you can guess who said what... ees for fun. I've never seen pictures of these two side by side before but maybe they were separated at birth... at least Nietzche's moustache looks real... sort of. What is that ?

   1." The Christian solution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."

   2." I never forget a face but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception."

   3." I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

   4." You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

   5." Time flies like an arrow... fruit flies like a banana."

   6." The man of knowledge must be able to not only love his enemies but also to hate his friends."

   7." Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Any one can get old. All you need to do is live long enough."

   8." In heaven all the interesting people are missing."

   9." There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness."

   10." From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

   11." What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."

   12." She got her looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon."

 

   13." A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." 

   Giver' the Googler if you really want the answers but I think they're obvious... except for maybe seven... 

    I'd be remiss if I didn't at least include a couple of quotes from dear old Dad...

   1." I know two flowers, one is a rose and the other one isn't."

   2." What about the first guy that ate an egg ? Did he think, " I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of  that birds ass."

   3." Hair is better than bald."

Farting Is Cool...

     I was on YouTube looking for one of my favorite videos "The Farting Preacher", which is quite possibly one of the funniest videos ever made. It's been taken off but I was surprised at the amount of  farting videos that were on there. Most of them were either stupid or disgusting (I only watched two) but I did get a particular kick out of this couple. He filmed her while they were away on vacation. It reminded me of a girlfriend I had (not so much the farting but more the laughing... suuure) and the value of being able to laugh together in a relationship. I love it when she does the thumbs up... those poor underwear...

Crop, Then Cut And Paste...

I just finished scanning what seemed like a thousand family photos. It took about three weeks, not as bad as the three months it took to load all my music... I think I'm pretty clever now that I know how to scan photos and then cut and paste them on my blawg... but anyways... The last ones I scanned were my Kitchener Elementary School class photos and I managed to make sense of "crop" so I thought I'd treat the gentle viewer to some of the celebrities... 

      Miss MacDonald, my grade one teacher... had such a crush on her (like any grade one-er). I had a dream one night that I kissed her on the cheek. The dream was so vivid I could even see the pores in her skin and I woke up the next morning feeling like I cheated on my Mom. She got married over the summer and never came back... crushed. 

   Laurie Prince and Cindy Ciarnello respectively... had crushes on both of them from grade one until grade seven and don't think I ever talked to either of them. I do recall imagining putting my arms around Cindy and kissing her as early as grade one... weird. You can almost tell from the photo, Laurie was more like Betty and Cindy like Veronica...

    Miss Steele my grade two teacher. I thought she was a hundred years old but she was probably only forty. First teacher to send me to the office. Terrified I lied and told her I went when I didn't... I had a feeling she knew but let it drop, good for her.

   Linda Fullbrook... made friends with her when I was three years old, the first friend I ever had. Didn't hang out with her in school though... girls ? Gross. 

    Wayne Gladue lived up the street from me. I thought he was cool... he used to throw gum and money at my bedroom window in the morning to get me for school. Mom didn't trust him and wondered where he got his money. She told me I couldn't hang around with him anymore... dang it.

    Carol Fisher broke her arm in grade two and I thought she had to wear the cast for the rest of her life... what a knob.

    As you can see Miss Reynolds, my grade three teacher didn't wear mascara but she did one day and I couldn't believe how much more purty she looked.

    Kim Hamilton my bestest friend. He was the first kid I ever saw letting his jeans hang down at the ass and let them drag on the ground... I called them "crotchies" The red-headed kid.

    Charlene Solem and I sat beside each other one time at the Dolphin theatre and
 shared popcorn and Cherry Nibs. I don't know if she did but I considered it a date... I liked her but she started hanging out with the rough crowd. Back to fantasizing about Laurie and Cindy.

    Joseph Heck... I always felt sorry for him for some reason and wanted to protect him from the bullies but that's tough to do when you're getting bullied yourself...

   I was smaller so I always sat in the front row... really caught shit from Mom for not changing out of my gumboots. I hated wearing them so I'm surprised they're even on... not cool. A bully probably took my shoes. 

     Booth Milton... funny guy. Had two brothers named Lund and Rue... thanks Mom. 

    Jennifer Davies my grade seven crush... I may have actually talked to her...who needs Laurie and Cindy anyway ? 

     Ronald Giddings... his claim to fame for me was he never looked anyone in the eye, he always gazed just over your head... he's not even looking at the camera. 


    Craig Boleen. one of my first friends. Used to say "purt" it down instead of "put" it down. Amazing but true.

    Dan Johnson... my grade seven photo. I peaked, it was all uphill from here...
  

No Time To Blawg... Trying To Finish Watching "Atonement" Before "American Idol" Starts...

                                       Siwash Rock...



                                    At work...



                                     Bowl of fruit...


                                      My favorite jacket...



                                     The Mountain Shadow...


                                    Out my window...


                                     Boots...



                                     Angels...

                                    Half an avocado... 


                                
                                    First night I got drunk...

                                    An old bucket on some stairs...


                                   My apartment... and now back to "Atonement"...