That word entered my mind this morning, likely because of the lack of it in my life, wondering if I'll ever feel it again or if it even exists at all. I can't recall the last time I felt real joy-- First love? Second love? Third love? Looking back they were all fraught with equal parts anguish as well.
If Love is truly the answer, I forgot what the question was. The feelings associated with love have escaped me for almost twenty years--it seems incredible when I say that. I miss the warmth, the tenderness and the sharing. I'm not sure if something happened along the way that erected impenetrable walls around my heart or I just haven't met that "certain someone" but I'm numb most of the time. The only feelings I associate with joy are those I once felt in a love relationship--nothing has ever convinced me otherwise
Even though I may seem at ease in almost any crowd, I've always felt like a bit of a misfit. That there is something intrinsically wrong, a pain that remains undiscovered or the fear that, "this is it, this is your life". I have plenty of friends and family that love me but I feel alone most of the time--I find it increasingly difficult to reach out. People try to help when I share these feelings and do their best to help and understand but I've never really felt understood--maybe that is my deepest need (OK, now I sound like a baby).
I won't bore you with all the details of my personal struggles for self discovery, it all sounds a little self absorbed anyway (like this blog). I remember when I was reading the Bible quite a few years ago and it made promises about knowing the, "Peace and Joy of the Lord." I laugh at that every time I think of it because all I ever found was fear, judgement, confusion and to top it off, Hell. I feel like that most of the time anyway, I don't need the "Good Book" to beat me over the head with it...
Hah!...
I know I have plenty in life to be thankful for and maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist but I keep having these recurring dreams that show me otherwise-- only to have them shattered by the cold blue light of dawn. Oh cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
Now that I've got that off my chest (but not out of my heart) John Hartwick posted a blog about what actor should play you in a movie. He chose Albert Brooks for himself (perfectly understandable) and for me he chose Rory Calhoun for some reason...
I googled him because although he looks pretty smooth and I appreciate John's sentiment the only thing I really remember Calhoun from was this cult classic...
I googled him because although he looks pretty smooth and I appreciate John's sentiment the only thing I really remember Calhoun from was this cult classic...
7 comments:
you have got to get out there and put yourself on the line and nab a fab woman! you seem like a great guy. it is hard to go find someone, but it can be very rewarding when it works. i think it would be great for you. please try!!!! please?
Dan, listen to drollgirl -- she's a wise woman.
Thanks, I will...I used to date like you wouldn't believe but somewhere along the line I lost my steam...time to get it back...
If strangers can feel your sensitivity and honesty through cyber-land, I think you may be the genuine article. You're right drollgirl, Dan is a great guy-- cute as a bug's ear, funny as hell and an honourable guy.
Dan, even though I only have seen you when I've had a few drinky-poos, completely straight, I still think you rock.
Read my comment to John's April 29 post. There's so few of us who can do coupledom well and long-term. You seem to be following a trend--I have 3 brothers in their 50s, never married; a number of close male family friends, never married. Yet, almost all of my women friends, including my sisters, mom and grandmother, have been divorced at least once (I think I'm the leader on that stat at 2 divorces) and I don't think I know any woman 40+ who's never been married. Now, SHE would be considered a bit odd.
You'll find love when you're ready. (I still think you should get in the saddle every once in a while just to make sure it still works. ;-o ) Kisses
Shelly, I'm 40+ and never been married (and you are right -- I am a bit odd -- haha). I barely escaped with my maidenhood intact in my early 20s (called the big event off with 3 weeks to spare -- Mom was not happy) and have had no desire to walk down that aisle since. I've been in a long-term, live-together relationship for the last 12 years, but no plans to get a piece of paper from the government to confirm that we've made a committment to each other.
The whole thing about love really is a mystery. Dan,I know what you mean about wondering if you've ever REALLY felt it. But I think alot of us have bought into the fantasy that it is supposed to be all consuming, passionate, butterflies in the tummy, all the time. My God! I've had that and it's exhausting. That's for 20 years olds. What I find truly a gift is the slow steady burn of a relationship that is based on a friendship (with a bit of hot sex thrown in of course), with someone who can make you laugh, someone you share similar sensibilities and dreams with. It's not like the movies -- it's better because it's real.
Lianne,
I hope you weren't thinking that I think that 40+ never married women are odd (or they're closet lesbians or they have some serious psychosis). What I was speaking to was what I think is the pervasive opinion of society at large. Beside my not-so-obvious parallel of older never-married men, which isn't so uncommon and isn't thought of as odd or weird (they're their own men, they can't be tamed blah blah), speaks to the traditional idea that women need to be looked after (I know it was my underlying reason for getting married, anyway) and men are strong and independent. We're, hopefully, the last generation to be taught that kind of thinking.
Our social conventions are slowly changing to where it's not so uncommon for both genders to be single for a long time. It's not unusual that young women go to school and become professionals and look after themselves. In fact, it's gone the other way where a 20 year old woman who wants nothing more than to get married as soon as possible and pop out babies is obviously a little screwed up.
Being single these days isn't the worst thing that could ever happen (no, you're not gay or have some kind of psychosis) and being married isn't a pinnacle of success, either.
So, take some pressure off yourself, Dan. Don't worry if love will ever find you--it'll hunt you down when it does.
Dan, I think it's called a spiritual malady. I feel the same. :(
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