If All Else Fails, Tell It To The Blog...

     There's been something I've been mulling over in my pea brain all day so I'm unsure how it's going to come out (like I ever do) and it started with the word 'nice'. At the job I just finished there was a nanny helping out because the couple had brought home a new born last week that had been delivered by C-section. They also had the cutest little Gerber Baby toddler that was about 18 months, not quite talking yet. The nanny would come in for an hour or two three or four days a week to give the mother a bit of a break and let her recover from the surgery. The nanny was young, maybe early twenties, quite attractive (if you're going to have a nanny, why not?), friendly, engaging, quick to smile and great with the kids. After talking to her for a bit I found out she had recently moved here from Alberta (that explains the friendliness factor) to teach grade one but discovered that the money was better nannying and it was way less stress than a room full of grade ones... she enjoyed focusing her attentions and it showed. I've never had kids but she was the type of person I wouldn't hesitate to leave them with.

    When she showed up today we chatted for a bit as I was cleaning up... then she returned to the toddler and I headed down the stairs to retrieve some more of my equipment. As I was walking down the stairs I was wondering what it might be like to be with somebody like that, sitting on the couch talking, raising a kid when the thought hit me like a bolt, "She's way too nice." It then occurred to me that I've never handled 'nice' very well. It makes me seize up inside and feel very uncomfortable... like being around somebody really attractive (can you say "blithering idiot") or finding out somebody really 'like' likes me (I have this friend...) I even feel mildly ill-at-ease as I write this, a raised pulse rate and a heaviness in my legs. 

     This thought triggered a memory of this woman I had dated a few years ago. We had probably been on half a dozen dates, I really liked her but quit seeing her because I felt she was way too nice for me. I'm not talking about that syrupy, insincere nice but just a genuinely nice person. This isn't to take anything away from any girlfriends I've had, they were all nice too, it just seems for me there's nice and then there's a whole other level of 'nice'. There's even a couple of women that live in my building that I've deemed way too nice (and I know- even the nicest of the nice have their moments).

     This whole line of thought caused me to reflect on past relationships/friendships and made me realize how incredibly difficult it has been for me to accept love, to allow myself to love and to allow people to 'be there' for me. To accept caring, nurturing and to reciprocate those feelings and actions. To find excuses (as opposed to reasons) to cut short one relationship after another. I know those qualities must be in there somewhere because they were very apparent when I was younger but have certainly disappeared with the passing of time. My sense of humour, alcohol and the fight or flight syndrome (always flight) became my defense mechanisms against the crushing feelings I experience when thrust into a situation of honest sharing and caring. I truly feel like an emotion cripple... can I get a parking pass for that ? (humour again).

     The last time I was in love I was beginning to deal with a health problem I have had since birth and trying to work out the relationship ( I hate that word but there doesn't seem to be a better one). I had been for some tests and after receiving the results (she was with me when I was notified of them) her and I returned to my apartment. She was holding me in her arms and I honestly couldn't tell you what was worse, finally trying to deal with this life long health issue or allowing her to console me, I was scared. I remember her saying to me, "You really are in a lot of pain." I was unsure of what she meant at the time, it seemed double edged but she walked out the door that day and as I heard her heels clicking down the hall I knew it was the end.

   I'm doubtful about where this will go from here but I've heard that awareness is the first step in healing... maybe....