Stuck in a Moment...

     My life feels like a series of  races that I couldn't complete. That inside I knew that no matter how hard I tried to compete or what training methods I employed, the outcome was always going to be the same. I had a girlfriend tell me one time that I just wasn't trying hard enough but how can you possibly find the right words to explain the inner turmoil you are feeling. That as hard as you think you may be trying, to the other person it never seems enough. Tell me you love me they would say, and I would want to but I was afraid, afraid of myself, afraid to let go, afraid to feel and now I feel stuck. I love you's that seemed to flow so freely when I was younger one day just dried up. I would date with the hope that feelings would spark from a friendship but they never did. I read this book once called You Can Learn to Love Anyone. I was "seeing someone" that I really liked so I thought this book might help but I knew this wasn't going to work just like I new the counseling I was taking at the time wasn't going to work either. I realize how totally pathetic this is going to sound but I couldn't stop staring at her nose, it was a little big. I asked the counselor about this and his suggestion was to think about how nice and kind she was instead of thinking about how I'm going to get past that nose. It's kind of like dear old Dad said,"You try not to think about bananas and that's all you think about." Let's move in together some would say... take some time to think about it they would say but my guts are churning and at the time being too afraid to say,"I can't do this."  

     Thinking back my inability to finish the race started when I was around nineteen or twenty (or maybe when I was in elementary school when my report card read , "Daniel could be an excellent student if he would only apply himself."). I was working in this mobile home factory and worked myself to the position of lead hand, the youngest in the plant at the time. One day there was a job posting for a front office position of serviceman. I busted my ass, got the job and soon realized I was in over my head. I was on the road all the time and thought I was missing too many parties back home so I resigned and headed back inside the factory, tail between my legs. 

     After that my life seemed to take that path. I took a bartending course but didn't get a job bartending until four years after I took it. I can draw so I started taking art classes and a cartooning course. Met with professional cartoonists around town to discuss career options, even sent some of my cartoons to various magazines but gave that up... lack of discipline? I had plenty growing up. It's hard to explain the feeling of knowing you just don't quite "have it" and after half a lifetime of this it can get a little disheartening (call the waaah mbulance).

     I'll try not to bore you with all the gory details but I've tried everything from ACOA to AA, even got "born again" on my knees in a pastors office (that doesn't sound good). I don't think it took. I've driven myself to the point of madness trying to "figure out" Christianity... insanity. I have an anxious disposition (fortunately I've only had two panic attacks and that was two too many... two too, that's funny) so I've been to the doctor for Xanax (works but I don't need to get hooked on that) and the various anti-depressants... more like depressants, they made me nuts (not that I have far to go). I ordered Lucinda Bassets Attacking Anxiety tapes off of the T.V at three A.M. I struggled through those for a while but all the time feeling... not feeling, knowing that these aren't going to work for me. I would do a positive affirmation before I left for work in the morning and by 10 I couldn't remember what the hell it was. I think there were some relaxation exercises in there as well... useless, I can't shut my mind off long enough to meditate. As if all this isn't embarrassing enough I even tried the Tony Robbins tape series, even for me that was a new low... but I was still trying.

     Sprinkle in amongst all this a series of failed relationships... you know what, not failed really I just wasn't feeling it (for lack of a better term) and for probably selfish and cowardly reasons I let them go on longer than they should have. And believe me, I know that I'm the common denominator in all of this, how could I not?  

     I'm really not trying to have a pity party or feel sorry for myself here. I was just reflecting on my life lately and where it's gone... or hasn't. I had written in an earlier blog about how I was unsure about fate and destiny but sometimes it feels like I'm fighting city hall, if you catch my drift (what does that even mean?). 

    This may be a little more information than I was going to share but I have found this blogging deal to be somewhat therapeutic and felt the need to "share my feelings." I always laugh to myself when I see these "about me" profiles especially on dating sites... come on people, no learning curve, let's just be honest.

     The reason I posted The Outsider by Albert Camus is that it's the perfect story of how society and people (aren't they the same?) think that every person is supposed to react and emote in a certain way or you'll be found guilty if you don't. It should be mandatory that every juror read this before a trial but odds are the average juror wouldn't get it anyway....